In one of my previous posts, I talked about what I realized about life, love, relationships when the breakup happened. Most of the people going through a breakup think that, they wasted time and energy in a relationship which was never right. But little do they know that they have grown as a human and as a person when they are recovering from it. In this post I will talk about other things which I rather learned but about myself.
Lots of things have happened. I still have panic attacks and today I saw her photo in Google hangout and she had changed it to a new photo which she might have taken before going out. I had headache and anxiety seeing it. Here I was, going through depression and therapy and not able to interact and go out and have fun. And here she is, the little, only child princess, already moving on (or maybe it is just a facade) and starting a new life. It hit me like an ice berg and I felt more upset and started repenting on why the heck I even saw it.
Well, I knew it would have happened one day. But did not expect it to be so early. After not talking for almost two weeks my ex sent me an email telling me that what she did was not right and how she behaved was something really degrading as a person. The email said that, it was not right for her to tell those things to me and she is feeling guilty. Well, I love her and the first thought in my head was that I won’t reply to her anything. She has only hurt me and hurt me enough and it is time that I start living my life and don’t have conversations with someone who took me for granted. But then I could not stop myself (the heart wants what it wants huh?) and told her that :
I have come to terms with the fact that I don’t want her anymore and it is better to accept this and move on with my life. This happened before 4 weeks, and then onwards everyday seems like a day which I just want to end in a hurry. I used to get up every day, first attend to her texts and reply them and start my day. The night was precisely the same. My world revolved around hers and my day and night started and ended with talking and thinking about her. There was one particular photo of hers (it is now etched in my mind) which I used to look at every now and then, when I woke up. It made me happy but at the same time I felt like I have someone to love and protect in my life now. I have a responsibility for this human, and I will make sure she gets what she wants when she is with me and will make sure she remains happy no matter what. Then I used to go to work and wait for her to get up and send me the photo of her face waking up. It was the most beautiful thing ever and made me smile and feel emotional. I used to work, talk to her and later Skype with her, watch movies with her, make love with her on Skype, share things with her which I used to never share with anybody else and get to know about her life and motivate her to do and achieve great things. I used to sleep late, get up late, go to work late but I was very happy and never complained. The time difference between Germany and South America sucked but I never thought about it.
When someone wants to leave or run away from a relationship, they come up with different ways to do it. The fault might be theirs but instead of being direct and honest they will try different ways to make us understand why this relationship is over. My ex came up first with a wide range of excuses but when I was not ready to separate and give up, then finally she used the best possible way to feel less guilty and feel comfortable going ahead with this breakup (I won’t be dwelling into what/how it happened). But in this post I want to talk about the different ways men/women have triggered the breakup in my life including my own.
In my life I have seen 5 (maybe there are more?) different personalities and the ways/arguments they start the breakup process( even though the real reason might even be that they are cheating or found someone better etc):
After I broke up, it tore me apart. I felt like I lost everything. And I am not talking only about losing contact with a person whom I loved unconditionally and without expectations. I lost my dignity, self-respect, my peace, mental strength. I cried for weeks. And even after the official final separation and my final decision to give up, I cried more. It pushed me into therapy. My mind was filled with thoughts like “How could I waste so much of my emotions, time, energy, feelings and even money (the least important for me) on someone who never truly understood me and never truly loved me”. I thought the relationship was a big mistake and that I was so stupid to ever think that it will work after I put everything from my side to make it work. Relationship should be supported from both side. And I was seeing what was happening but still tried to support it singlehandedly and ignored and forgave her again and again. “How can someone do this and think this way and leave me when I am down when she was everything for me and I did everything”. Or so I thought.
One of the best quotes I ever heard in the recent times. And this quote is also the answer to my previous post’s open discussion -> What made me finally give up and also accept the breakup.
In the last post I talked about how everything was in my relationship and I did not give up until at a certain point where my ex told me something which opened my eyes and made me realise what was actually going on. Surprisingly this quote came out of my ex and it was funny why she actually said it. But why she said it? She thought she was not special for me even after everything I was doing and was ready to do anything and that she was just another woman.
Feb 25 2018. Worst day of my life. Why? You already know from the title. I broke up with someone whom I loved and cherished for the past many months. The pain and suffering I am going through is unbearable. I never loved someone the way I did with her and it feels like I am getting stabbed every day and every minute. And this pain exists and is excruciating because I never thought I will separate from her after all those promises and words we told each other to live together forever and die together(life huh).