Well, I knew it would have happened one day. But did not expect it to be so early. After not talking for almost two weeks my ex sent me an email telling me that what she did was not right and how she behaved was something really degrading as a person. The email said that, it was not right for her to tell those things to me and she is feeling guilty. Well, I love her and the first thought in my head was that I won’t reply to her anything. She has only hurt me and hurt me enough and it is time that I start living my life and don’t have conversations with someone who took me for granted. But then I could not stop myself (the heart wants what it wants huh?) and told her that :
Me – I forgive you and I love you but you have put my under psychotherapy, driven me crazy and told me that my love was not true after everything I was ready to do. You have hurt me more than anybody in this world after all the love I gave you and it was the last thing I expected and I don’t want us to talk anymore and after few months when I am better, I will think about our friendship. And I hope you will find someone who will do anything for you like I was ready to do. You told me “If someone wants something, they will do anything”. You taught me this. Take care of yourself.
Then pop came the second email:
Ex – OK, so you forgive me? Thank you. But you never really loved me. You will find out this one day Aron. And I know you are good and taking care of yourself in your own way. Take care and be happy.
It kind of made me angry and I already started regretting that I replied to someone who is immature and ignorant and who doesn’t know still what has happened and only time will teach her things. But again stupidly, I replied her:
Me- I have nothing to find out. OK you loved me and I didn’t love you. Take care and be safe.
The she sent me two more emails explaining some more things which were again random, useless and immature. The first email explained that :
Ex- Your intention from the beginning, before you came to my country and after you left, was not right (to bring her to Germany and be together and reduce this distance , which she agreed first) because we don’t live alone (I fought my family and everyone to be with her and even was ready to marry her against everyone, yet she put me in low priority over everyone else) and I should live my life judging the way I feel is right. Take care like you are already doing and don’t reply to my email.
I thought this was the end, but out came the 4th email. The last email was something along the lines of:
Ex- I know I did not do many things for you (well she put no efforts to actually make this relationship work and only ran away so I don’t know what she meant), even though I had reasons to do it, but that doesn’t mean that I did not love you. You told me everything happens for a reason and it’s true. I am sorry that I sent you another email and I won’t send emails anymore.
By this time I had realized that I had made a mistake replying her and that I will refrain from contacting her for the next few months until I find an inner peace and control my emotions.
Healers, never ever reply to the texts of your ex for the first few months, if they are the reason now that you are in the healing process in the first place and have gone through a lot of depression and panic attacks. Never try to contact them first as well. I learned the following things from this conversation:
- It actually takes time to understand the things specially if they are immature and to see the good things you did for them. When you are constantly arguing and have just broken up, only the bad things are left at the surface. If they are starting to see the good things too early then probably the impact is not good enough and they have not really understood and seen the good things. They might be just missing you as a person they were in contact with or just try to get in contact with someone who they took for granted. So wait!! Don’t hurry up like I did.
- Consider that you did reply them after all the humiliation and self-respect you lost during the breakup. You are lowering it more by talking to them so soon. I replied her too fast and it was a big mistake. Take some time off from this kind of humiliation and give them also time to think about everything they have done wrong and realize what they have lost and are losing right now.
- After you reply or text them, then all that waiting, those crazy heartbeats, you not being able to concentrate and work and just waiting for this suffering to end, will only make you worse and make you feel like you should not have texted them or replied them in the first place. If their name pops up in your Gmail or Whats-app/Messenger, your heart starts to beat and you know that the chances of this being a good news are low. You will read it and the little peace you had obtained by staying away from them will be done and dusted.
- If you text them first, then primarily you are texting someone who clearly doesn’t want you and doesn’t care. But in my case , if you are replying them instead of texting them first and you do it quick then you are showing them that you still need them. You want to show them the care you have for them but you are also showing them that you are weak without them. All your texts, no matter what the context is(even a simple good morning) shows that you are just missing them too much, even after they put a hot iron rod up your mouth (trying to be civilized here). That will only feed their confidence that they don’t need a lowlife like you in their life. And if they need you then they are just one text away from it.
My therapist told me that instead of texting her, is it better to write whatever I feel like saying. Either in my blog , or as a text/email and send this email to myself. Funnily the first two blog posts from this website is reconstructed from the emails, I wanted to send to her. Another trick from my therapist was to text your ex something like “Good Morning/How was your day”. And then following it up with “It wasn’t meant for you”. Cheeky isn’t it?
Another method I tried and it works if you have nobody nearby is to try online random talking websites. Go to Omegle website and just talk to random people and get humiliated from them. Believe me, the humiliation from others will be nothing compared to what you will get from your ex. No matter what, you will lose the battle with her/him. It will only make you feel worse and angry and sad.
Healers. Be Proud. Be proud and happy that you love/loved them and gave everything you could to this relationship. If it failed and they left, it is not your fault or problem. It is theirs !! So let them deal with their problems. And you my friend should take care of yourself and try to heal and move on.
Because, I deserved to be loved and so do you.