Posted in Relationship and Love

An Ode to Absconding – My Experiences in Life

When someone wants to leave or run away from a relationship, they come up with different ways to do it. The fault might be theirs but instead of being direct and honest they will try different ways to make us understand why this relationship is over. My ex came up first with a wide range of excuses but when I was not ready to separate and give up, then finally she used the best possible way to feel less guilty and feel comfortable going ahead with this breakup (I won’t be dwelling into what/how it happened). But in this post I want to talk about the different ways men/women have triggered the breakup in my life including my own.

In my life I have seen 5 (maybe there are more?) different personalities and the ways/arguments they start the breakup process( even though the real reason might even be that they are cheating or found someone better etc):

The “Acquiesce” Personality

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This is by far the most common way I have seen the breakup conversation starting( if the relationship was really true to some extent from both sides). This person is not satisfied with their partner’s career/family/lifestyle and feels that they are not happy and are just living a content life which they don’t deserve. My friend’s gf (for now), told him that it is a shame to show him to her family because he earns less than half of what she earns, he is not that great looking and she even challenged him to earn more for her dreams (and not their dreams). He was hurt really bad but for now they are together (another “overly romantic ronald”??).

This type of personality will convince everyone that the breakup happened because the person is not even 1/10th of what they are (forget their second half) and she/he can do much better in life.

The “Sincere/Serious” Personality

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This could turn out to be either way. The person understands that it won’t work out seriously and tells sincerely that it is better to separate. In this case the person really cares about their partner and want to share the pain and help them move on. The discussion might fall under mature circumstances where the partner really thinks that she has ended up with a person who is not doing enough for the relationship and they won’t be happy in future, or that they are not right for each other even if they think after trying to work it out numerous times. But sometimes the serious and sincere justifier can also be an “Acquiesce” using different reasons to justify the breakup.

They usually start the discussion with a serious expression like “We need to talk” or a sincere expression like “Listen, I need to tell you something”. Post break up the serious/sincere person can still be in love and might just understand that in the long term, it is better to not have their partner. Or the person might try to be friends and stay in touch.

My friend was the sincere type who broke up with his girlfriend because his parents were not accepting their relationship and he would have lost his entire family if he went ahead with this relationship. He broke up with sincerity and apologies but they are still friends and sometimes hangout and try to be happy.

The “Sissy” Personality

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This is the kind of person who just runs away from sincere commitments and just enjoys the “Honeymoon Phase”. Few problem arrives or someone makes a mistake (they think relationship must only have happiness and no problems) and the first thing they want is to leave and separate instead of tackling it straight on. This person doesn’t want to initiate the breakup due to the act of guilt or self-image (that they are a bad person who breaks heart of people). Instead they will indirectly force their partner to breakup by convincing them that they can do much better and the other person is not good and has many flaws. Frequent conversations after few months/years include:

“I am too busy for this relationship. I can’t give you everything which someone else can give. You won’t be happy with me. I can’t be the man/woman you want me to be”.

If you had read my previous posts, you might have noticed that my ex started the breakup with this personality but it did not work since I tried to convince her that she is good enough for me.

I BROKE UP AND I FEEL LIKE I AM DEAD

Another incident happened with my friend who told another woman he was dating that they are not compatible and that he always hurts her and he doesn’t care enough and it would feel better if someone else treats her better and takes care of her.

This type of personality is the second worst for me because it leaves the other person (the partner) perplexed and full of thoughts not knowing what exactly went wrong and what could have been done better. This leaves them to even think that they can compromise much more and that the person leaving can be happy if they take other steps and efforts to make them comfortable and happier. But little do they know that the other person will just leave later with further excuses no matter what happens.

The “Nonchalant/Aloof” Personality

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The most cruel type. The whole relationship for them was/is a joke. Or more like, “I had a good time but I need to catch my next ride”. This person plays with the emotional feelings of their partner, usually for money, sex or even out of boredom because they had nobody, they are alone and depressed or the worst they just wanted a REBOUND (the worst because it is confusing). They repeat whatever emotional things or feelings their partner tells them or shows just like a mirror and sometimes even fool themselves into thinking that what they feel or do for their partner is quite true and pure and that they really love and care about their partner.

But when their selfish needs are over, and they have found someone better(that’s what they think or convince themselves to) or they just finally realize that actually they don’t give a damn about the other person and become the ghost of their life. To finish things off, it might be as simple as an SMS, or phone call or the worst, they block the person, change numbers and become history.

 I have seen this a lot in my life specially when I saw that in the relationship, one of the partner was part of it just because they were only needy and not because they wanted (which made/makes me feel like love and relationship doesn’t exist anymore).

 The “Bickerer” Personality

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For me this is the worst personality in a relationship specially if it was working solely because of one person(my past). Why? because the relationship ends in a really bad way and makes the person who put most efforts and did everything to make it survive, look and feel guilty. This personality will start a breakup using one of the mistake/s you committed in the past (even before you met them) and they will use mean and cruel words to make you feel pathetic and disgusted about yourself (even though the mistake/argument might be petty or trivial but they will make it look like it is big enough that is worth separating for). Then, they will also force you to breakup because you see how barbaric and impretinent your partner is and you know what exactly had happened and the overall truth that it makes you depressed and wanting to give up and not be in the relationship anymore.

To make it worse, the Bickerer will tell these things to their family and friends and explain things (adding more self-detail) which might not even be true, to get their support and acceptance that this relationship was doomed and it is the grace of God or luck that they escaped this fate. These conversations will only deteriorate and the idea of their partner will become diabolical, the more they surmise and ponder. Then they will use this whole new “Concept” as the reason for breaking up. They will feel good about it, and persuaded that they left a person who made hell of a lot mistakes (and their own mistakes will be hidden behind their silhouette). Owing to the fact that instead of having a remorse that they left a good person who gave them everything, this reasoning/argument shields them from the reality and keeps them happy forever.


Conclusion

My breakup sucked. At first, the sissy personality was used and when it failed then the bickering one. Even though the reality was that the relationship was working solely based on one person, the bickering argument was used to make a protective shield for self-image and guilt.

I was forced into this breakup but I am happy that I was forced and I realised what had happened until now and it was a mistake to ignore them again and again, and work for my own happiness. I knew I would never gave up on her, no matter what happened (I did not give up until the end). And I feel sorry for her and pity her but I am not sad or angry on her.

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But it worked and I gave up. Not because of the whole scenario and things getting worse but because of what she said which opened my eyes (see below).

IF SOMEONE WANTS SOMETHING THEY WILL DO ANYTHING

Healers!! If you have broken up from a relationship (or forced or dumped) then you might find one of these personality traits in your partner (you can comment below if there are other ones, I will try to update). Just understand that, things happen for a reason and that if someone really wanted something, they will do anything. This applies for both, “to be with you” and “to leave you”.

Take care and have an amazing Sunday.

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Started blogging about my life experience after my first heart wrenching breakup, my lessons, my efforts and steps to recover and finally how my life shapes up in the next few years!! This blog is more like a journal or writer's log (wlog).

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