Feb 25 2018. Worst day of my life. Why? You already know from the title. I broke up with someone whom I loved and cherished for the past many months. The pain and suffering I am going through is unbearable. I never loved someone the way I did with her and it feels like I am getting stabbed every day and every minute. And this pain exists and is excruciating because I never thought I will separate from her after all those promises and words we told each other to live together forever and die together(life huh).
This is not the first relationship I have been. I had one before. But there I was quite pragmatic and practical and analysed everything and kept no hopes or dreams nor planned or cared about anything. I cared and loved my German Ex but me, my family were also equally important and the relationship had equal contributions and expectations from both sides. It was just for few months as well and going alright and that’s when I lost my virginity with her. I was 24. We were more like friends who loved each other’s company but the love and respect was there. But suddenly she had to go to USA for her bachelors and she decided to break up telling me that “Aron long distance never works”. I was practical but still I loved her and did not accept it. I had tears in my eyes but I accepted it. The pain was there but not enough to shatter me into pieces. I wished her good luck and tried to move on. Even then it took me months to move on. I later found out that she was flirting with another guy when she decided to move to USA but it turned out to be just playful flirting which she did because she was going to be single and I forgave her for that. She was smart and knew what she was talking about. I was ignorant and believed in fairy tales and thought distance is just a number even if it is for few years. She did come back after 5 months because of her financial issues back to Germany but I had moved on and she wanted to meet up but I was no longer the guy who wanted her back. I was stronger. They say the first break-up is the worst and I thought I had gone through the worst. Year 2016 was gone.
Year 2017 started off well and I was single and happy. Have been single most of my life. But then it happened. I started getting to know a woman I met online. Sounds weird and crazy. But the feeling was weird and interesting as well. I did not like her in the beginning. She had many flaws which I did not like in a woman and she was exactly the opposite definition of my culture and even me. But I saw something good deep inside her. She was not very pretty but with time she was becoming the most beautiful woman for me because I felt I knew her. I was developing a good understanding with her. Due to the distance and the different language and texting most of the time (we used to skype as well but mostly texting), we had misunderstandings, but we solved it somehow (most of the times they were solved because I decided to forgive her even though once she lied to my face and denied). I did not care what her education was (she had no graduation) nor what money she had (financial issues) nor that she was short tempered rude and sometimes talked things which made no sense. Everyone has flaws and everyone makes mistakes. All I cared about was that I fell in love with her and she told me she felt the same. Well, I decided to meet her, went to South America, had an amazing month with her. We cried a lot happily together (also when I was going to leave), first time I cried a lot for a woman and it was not just tears or light sobbing but crying out loud. I wanted to end this distance (if not it won’t survive) and wanted to help her move to a better country with better job prospects (Germany) but she made a selfish big decision again( had happened before) and put a condition of 3-4 years of more distance separation as per her and her family’s decision. We fought and words were exchanged, she decided to break up. The first excuse was that “You have too much expectations and I can’t fulfil them”. Then I exaplained her everything how I was in this relationship. Then the excuse was “You have no expectations and I have turned you into this. You don’t see how bad it is?”. Her final reason for breaking up was that she was making me suffer and I was too good for her and I won’t be happy with her. And she said it was her final decision to break up and she won’t change it. I didn’t break up and I was not ready to give up. I tried to convince her everyway. I was ready to wait for the next years (so accepting her condition), visit her again this year and go through anything for her. Then lots of things happened, more misunderstandings and she was searching somehow for a way to get out. If we were together it could have been solved in a much better way and faster but distance won’t help you and especially with texting it won’t. We have broken up now. She broke up before and I was not ready to give up but I finally gave up. Why I gave up? I will analyse in the next post.
It was already excruciatingly painful from Feb 5 when her decision of 4 years of long distance was bought out. But it got worse and worse and when I finally gave up on Feb 28 and realised “she was not good for me and I had to leave this unhealthy relationship” it became worse up to a point that I had to go through therapy sessions. I was and still am going through crazy depression and trauma and I had nobody to talk to except my far away friends in Asia (I disconnected from my friends here to give time for her online and living a virtual life). My parents and friends knew I was suffering but I did not tell them how much. I am not saying I was and am an amazing bf and person and she was just a very bad GF and trying to show how bad she was. Everyone has flaws and everyone makes mistakes. She made mistakes and I made few mistakes as well and her solution to every problem in our relationship was breakup. But to look past someone’s deficiencies and take actions for being together and at least wanting to be together and giving them a high priority only will allow a relationship to succeed. Not to mention, no relationship can survive without compromises and sacrifices. It is a relationship. It is a two person thing. Every single thing I mentioned before was missing in my relationship. It was a one-sided affair. And these relationships don’t survive. I love one of the quotes I found online which I want to share.
You might even think I was crazy to be in this relationship. My family and friends thought and think this way even though I never told them in detail what I did, my efforts, was ready to do in this relationship (I don’t like showing off and who did what is not always a way to measure relationship). But I never cared about these things and ignored them even though deep inside I felt this is not right, what is happening again and again. Even she felt it and told me but I ignored it. I ignored it when she said “I won’t be able to keep you happy because you are putting efforts and I am not able to take steps”. Her friend thought the same. I thought I can be happy and I will marry her and she will make my babies. I loved her without conditions and expectations and in such a blind way that even my family was suffering but I saw nothing but her. I did not care about them. I was ready to take responsibility for this woman and acted like her husband. She was the first ever woman in my life who I felt like marrying and even having a family and that’s what I told my Asian family who were devastated but with time they started accepting her. But everything which was built for months went to bin in just a span of days. She was planning to run away every opportunity she got and you can’t stop someone from going away from you no matter how much you try. She was searching for reasons to find flaw in me because for her I was too good and amazing compared to her flaws, and finally she made a vague reason and conclusion at the end after taking something from my past few years before without knowing what exactly happened, convinced herself that I was a man who never loved her and left. Sometimes people are not used to decent men and I knew her past and it makes sense here. And she did this as well to have no regrets that she left me. “I left him because he never loved me and he was hiding something from his past” is better than “you are too good for me and you won’t be happy with me”. This thinking and conclusion hurt me a lot and I had nothing left anymore to fight for and I gave up. But even after that on March 1 I sent her a big email explaining the whole thing even though I tried before few times. Not because I wanted her back. I did not. But her conclusion hurt me a lot and was driving me crazy and I wanted to make her see what had happened. But you can’t convince someone who wants to run away from problems. And there was this 3-4 years distance issue. It was easy to run away than face the hardship of long distance which I was ready to do for her.
You might say “You never actually loved her. You were just in your honeymoon phase. If you really loved her then you won’t have given up. Love takes years to build. Your relationship was too short to love”. You guys might be right. But I know how I felt. And it made me more matured. I might not have loved her. But I am sure I loved her more than anyone else present in this world including myself. And that’s enough love for me. Enough love that I was ready to leave my well settled life and start living in her country and start a new life. Thank god it didn’t happen and we broke up before it was too late and my eyes opened before that. I gave up because I stopped being the “overly romantic Ronald” fighting to be with the “Selfish Stanley” who thinks it’s her way or highway. The terms are reused from the huffingtonpost article about how to pick your life partner (you can find more types of partners there but I am going to focus solely on my relationship).
Overly Romantic Ronald
An overly romantic Ronald/Rachael is a person like me in my previous relationship who is so much in love that he/she doesn’t care about anything except love. The love is so blinding that he/she repeatedly ignores the mistakes and bad things happening due to their partner in his/her relationship and forgives his/her other half thinking that there is a destiny and reason why he/she fell in love with this person. He/She is very romantic and caring and doesn’t care what the other half is doing for him/her or this relationship except to love the person because for him/her love is a reason to fight and kill for. He/She ignores the harsh truths and signs that in the long run it won’t work and they will be only disappointed and unhappy. This person is ready to do anything (and I mean anything!!) no matter how it affects his/her life (Emotionally/ financially/ mentally/ physically) . Their partner, if leaves them whenever they want but wants to come back to them, they accept them shamelessly and forget about their self-respect and bring down their self-esteem to mud. The realtionship survives purely based on them and after every hardship they went through they are ready to marry the other person even if they have to live unhappily for the rest of their lives.
A selfish Stan/Stanley is a person who is caring and loving but only to show that she/he really is this person. And even if it is a genuine care and love, this is short term as long as things go their way. The moment there is a point where a big decision has to be made in the relationship, she/he takes the decision selfishly which suits her/his own comfort and life. She/he might even try to convince her/his partner that the decision was for both and it is good for both (but then why the partner was not involved?). She/he might make some small compromises but again that is just to get what she wants for the short term. She/he thinks or makes the other person convinced that she/he is living in a relationship, but she/he is a just a single woman who wants company for various reasons (better life, money, pleasure, sex etc.). These kinds of men/women either end up with a romantic Ronald/Rachael who is a pushover and follows her/him behind without much questions or fight and who can be controlled or they end up with a guy/girl with no ambition or self-respect except to serve their king/queen.
As you can see. It is a very bad combination. One of the worst actually.
This is the 2nd week of my therapy. How am I? Better. Not because I am going through therapy even though that helps. But because past 4 weeks I have gone through so much depression and stress, not able to work eat nor sleep, that it can’t get worse than this. The only way is to get better with time. But still I have sleepless nights and think about how this relationship went from “love of my life” to “loss of her life”. She lost me. She told me she loved me but my love for her was fake. It made me laugh but inside this conclusion made me realise she is just an un-matured ignorant woman who doesn’t even know what she is saying. But in this ignorant process she told me a sentence which opened my eyes and brought back my pragmatic and practical quality back. This also helped me to give up and break up. I realised and finally accepted what was happening in the entire relationship and for the first time felt it was time to give up on someone as her.
Why am I writing this online when everyone else is coping well with breakups and there are far bigger problem out there (Syria war?). Because I love writing and my therapist told me that I should do this since I am suffering too much and I am not a person who shares his problem a lot, specially if that worries the persons I care about. I have another blog where I help others to study abroad and fight for their dreams and careers. But this blog is going to be about my recovery process and my life and my thoughts in the next few years. Consider it a wlog (writer’s log) or an online journal. And if you are reading this then maybe you have gone through the rough patch that I am going through right now and might have already come out of it and living a better life. If you are going through this then stay with me Healers because we will get through this together!! But this is my diary and my journal and I am writing it for myself so I am not expecting any audience.
Because even though it hurts a lot, I will get over and move on. Everyone does and believe me, time heals everything. Because I deserve much better than this and I knew this but did not believe it. The story of my life is yet to end. It is just an Intermission!!