After I broke up, it tore me apart. I felt like I lost everything. And I am not talking only about losing contact with a person whom I loved unconditionally and without expectations. I lost my dignity, self-respect, my peace, mental strength. I cried for weeks. And even after the official final separation and my final decision to give up, I cried more. It pushed me into therapy. My mind was filled with thoughts like “How could I waste so much of my emotions, time, energy, feelings and even money (the least important for me) on someone who never truly understood me and never truly loved me”. I thought the relationship was a big mistake and that I was so stupid to ever think that it will work after I put everything from my side to make it work. Relationship should be supported from both side. And I was seeing what was happening but still tried to support it singlehandedly and ignored and forgave her again and again. “How can someone do this and think this way and leave me when I am down when she was everything for me and I did everything”. Or so I thought.
There are phases after breakup where you experience almost everything. You feel angry, you feel sad, and you blame your ex (which you should not even if it is their fault). You deny that it actually happened and then you accept that it actually happened and even if you know that the immaturity and mistake is from the other side you still try hard to reach out to them. Then you deny and are angry again and think that maybe they will truly understand what happened and try to reach out to you and might come back. After more humiliation and loss of self-worth, you are sad again and finally accept that it won’t happen and that both have reached a point of no return and that it is better to move on.
If you truly love someone then you try again and again even if the other person doesn’t care anymore and has given up long time ago and the whole concept of love and relationship is screwed up from the other side. There was even one phase where I started to blame myself and started to doubt myself. I did not feel like talking to anyone. I already knew before the breakup what I needed to improve and I was getting better at that. But after breakup there is a phase where you start blaming yourself and start finding mistakes in you, even though you tried everything and had given your best to make it work but it was not reciprocated from your partner. You think “maybe you were the horrible bf and that’s why she left”. Your head makes all kind of crazy things and stories to try to make sense of what just happened. I had nobody to talk nearby, but I tried to explain everything to my really close friends and later my therapist and they helped me realise that I am not the crazy one in this relationship after all.
The point is that you learn a lot about yourself and your partner during this phase. If you think you wasted so much time and energy and what not on a person for a particular amount of duration in your life then it is not true. You were happy with them. Maybe not always. Every relationship has problems and maybe she caused it more. But you were happy and that’s why you settled for it. Or maybe you have low self-esteem and confidence that you can’t get better than that. There can be many reasons why you were part of an unhappy relationship. But more importantly you learn a lot during your relationship but much more during the breaking up phase and after the complete acceptance. I learned a lot and I am still learning and I wanted to share it with everyone. In this post I will only share what I learned about Love and Relationship. In the next post I will talk about what I learned about myself and what I might need to improve (negatives).
What I learned about Love and Relationship:
Love is not an enough reason to be in a relationship
Loving someone is quite important but you need to assess and think about many other things including your and your partner’s need, how they are contributing to relationship and if they really are the person you can put up with for the rest of your life. If a person truly loves you then they should be ready to change and sacrifice and compromise for you like you are ready for them. This did not happen in my relationship as I mentioned in my previous post. It is a complete BS that if someone truly loves you then they won’t change you. Everyone has flaws and your partner should find them and try to make you a better person. Everyone wants to get better and if they think they are already perfect then they are deluded. Sometimes even if someone thinks they love you, maybe they are not happy with you (maybe not because you are ready to change and compromise but because they are not ready to take actions because they love themselves much more and care about themselves more). But if you are still ready to be with this person then you are in blind love and 99% you will either break up in future or be unhappy for the rest of your life.
Never love someone in an extreme way that you lose yourself
You have your own world and your own life. It doesn’t have to revolve around another person all the time. Don’t forget to love yourself equally. Give the other person high priority if you love them but don’t forget about your own happiness and life as well. Especially if the effort from other side is quite limited and changes according to their comfort and happiness.
Family and True Friends will be always there for you
Never lose contact with them. Anyone can leave you but not your family (some are not lucky to have a good family but some friends become your family) and true friends. Be in a relationship but don’t give it so much importance that you forget you have others who need your love and care as well. You come to know who truly cares about you, when you are at your worst phase during breakup and they are ready to help when you are down. Even if your family is not happy with your choice of partner and might say “I told you so”, they will be there for you to help and heal. And be happy you have people for you and have the gratitude and reciprocate kindness when you receive help.
Actions matter, not words
If your partner is just a person who talks and promises a lot of nice and beautiful things but when it comes to actually doing things and taking efforts goes into a shell then you better be careful. Try to analyse the pattern in a relationship and be pragmatic. Yes you love this person but if this person doesn’t contribute and doesn’t put efforts (It’s not about money or buying tickets or anything but they should be prepared to do things and should have the will to do stuffs and be ready to fight for you no matter what) and doesn’t want to change even after many chances given by you then better realise that this relationship won’t last long. Being ignorant about what is happening and thinking “I love her and that’s all I know” will only end in divorce and you wasting your time. I ignored these repeating patterns and was the “Overly Romantic Ronald” and that cost me. Being satisfied and being happy are two different things. Never settle for content over happiness unless you have absolutely no choice. I tried to tell my ex that she was not doing things. Not even half of what I did. And I did not even expect her to be like me. We are different. But she only cried everytime and made it look like I was the rude, unhappy guy who makes her cry all the time and manipulating and changing her. If she was matured enough, she would have worked on the things as part of relationship and she knew that I was telling the truth and agreed, but did not change. Instead she thought she can’t make me happy, instead of actually doing things.
One the other hand of the quote (They are just words not actions), during quarrels people say some really despicable things which they did not mean. Later they apologise for it and you should forgive them for that. They are just words. If a person tells you “It is better you be dead”, and then apologises, you should tell them to control their anger and not be rude. They are just words and it happens. The words are malicious, yes, but anger and frustration always causes humans to say things most of which they would not have said, if they were calm. But actions matters. If they really did something bad then better think carefully what you want to do next. But have a mature enough mind to forgive someone if they say rude things. But again analyse the pattern and see if this keeps on repeating or not.
True understanding about your partner comes out
I already knew many things about her. I knew her flaws and observed some repetition of flaws without any change from her side. But I wanted to give her time more and more. I can’t judge and think that it will never change. But I did not knew it could have gotten worse to a point where these flaws will just engulf that person and completely take over their characteristics and personality. And what I saw and heard during and after the breakup rattled me. I felt like I was dating an entirely different person. A person who might have actually used me for her own comforts and in the name of love and even convincing herself that she really did. This phase shows you that understanding is underrated and love is quite overrated. Nobody is perfect. I have flaws and I was working on them for her. But you truly discover the hidden face of your partner during this phase.
Never stop something which wants to leave you
I knew it was going to happen. But I tried to stop it with my heart and soul. I thought I could change it and my efforts will change her as well. You should of course try and make them understand if you yourself are sure that it might really work. But if not, you are forcing everyone to be unhappy in this relationship and trying to force someone to be with you. You can love someone. But you can’t force them to love you back and care.
You can’t force someone to change, but you can force yourself to change people who you surround with.
Never cling onto something thinking it is permanent
Never think something will be with you forever. Everyone will die one day. So don’t dream and plan a lot of things already and think that this is going to happen definitely. Keep an open mind. Anything and everything is possible. Never cling onto something so tight thinking it will be there until you die. This is the biggest reason why heartbreaks are so hard on some people that they drive them crazy and make them do stupid things in the name of Love.
Love is Beautiful but most of the times deceiving
Love comes in many forms. Sometimes true love, sometimes sympathy, sometimes out of care, respect and appreciation. It is a great feeling to love someone and think that they love you back. And that’s why we don’t want to give up on a person when we truly love them. But keep in mind that it was just because of a chance, you have met this person instead of someone else, fallen in love and ultimately when you don’t receive it back equally or even partially, doesn’t mean that you can’t find another person. Remember that the human population is huge. You can always find the right person with whom you can fall in true love again and this time make sure that your love and craziness is reciprocated. Or you find someone who loves you and is crazy about you truly and make sure that you reflect it back.
A right person in your life in a cheerful future and forever is better, than a wrong person in your life right now with whom you might be stuck unhappily forever
Meet men/women (don’t go immediately after breakup, try to heal first and take as much time as you want), try to get to know them slowly and when you will find a man/woman who you can respect, be proud of, you can care and like both from inside and outside and a person with whom you can connect with and most importantly this is reflected by them as well towards you, then love will eventually happen.
Love doesn’t have to happen immediately. You don’t have to fall in love in hours days or months. But you can learn to love
Time heals everything and if not, it at least hides those wounds
You might think “Yes, yes, we have heard this 1000 times but it doesn’t help the pain right now”. Yes the sentences and advices won’t help. You need to help yourself. But it is the truth. You will always find someone better, especially if the relationship was working solely because of you.
But try to give time some time.
You are coming out of a breakup where you had put all your energy and soul. Try to relax a bit and think about what you learned and now focus on your life and career and everything else instead of a human who you did not deserve. Yes, you will miss him/her and all those beautiful time spent together will come to your mind and make you sad and even cry. But crying and being sad is not bad. But not accepting and not making a decision to move on is bad. Also, do you want to cry for your past, or work on your future? Future is unknown so we are scared. But imagine if you loved someone and did everything and they were not right for you and only made you upset and worried, then what you can and will do for the right one and how much better and beautiful the life will be!!
I still love her. I do. Truly. Just because things went bad and horrible things happened and she doesn’t believe, doesn’t mean my feelings will change for her. No time goes by when I don’t think about her and feel like contacting her again, but I won’t and I am trying to heal. Because I learned many important lessons, but the best being:
Just because you love someone truly doesn’t mean they are right for you and you should be with them.
Love can be by one but Relationship is always by two.
Take care healers!!