The second interview of this blog series. This interview was quite emotional. She is one of my best friends and the only person who pretty much knows everything happening in my life. In fact, I have shared more with her than anybody in the last 6 months. I met her via an online learning app. She taught me her language and I taught her English. She improved her English and my proficiency in her language is still bad. Sucks. Anyway, we were no that close before. But with time the respect and affection grew between us. We consider each other like family and I think she is like a young sister I never had. I am happy she is part of my life and I hope our brother-sister relationship will stay for as long as I breathe. So, here is what happened.
I won’t go much in detail considering I can’t reveal in case someone finds out. But, in short, she is not happy with her marriage. She feels better about it now and wants to give it another chance. But during the time of interviewing she was stuck in this dilemma what to do about it.
She is quite different than her husband. The marriage happened in a hush and due to various circumstances when she was young. And it is true that with time we realise about many things. Look at me. I realised now who actually matters in my life and who are selfish and do things for themselves unless if they get something in return from me. I was naive before. Even now maybe I am a bit naive. Anyway, the same thing happened to her. She realised that maybe the love of her life might not actually be “The One”. And when you have completely different thoughts and thinking with your partner it might not turn out to be good. Anyway here are the Q&A between us.
A – How have you been since the feelings started creeping in? How you are coping up with it?
D – I’ve been thinking about this for quite a long time (for 2 years to be specific) but this year, it’s just making me lose my mind. The feeling of failing and having made the wrong choices just increases and I feel like I’m killing myself every time I think about that. Some days I cry like a baby, and I feel like I’m the most miserable person in this world, but then I try to find some distractions, working and studying so the sadness goes by.
A – When was the first time you realised that something was wrong and maybe it will never ever be the same?
D – I don’t know precisely when it happened. But the day I started not believing in religion I realized I have made many wrong decisions in my life. Due to the religious influences, and one of them was getting married too early. Because sex without a marriage is a sin, so I didn’t want to do anything that could displease god. So, I got married when I was 18 years old. Yes, that’s too stupid, now I can see that clearly, because I’m a mature and conscious woman, not a naive girl anymore.
A – What is different in your relationship now then it was few years back or when it was in the early stages?
D – Well, I think my husband didn’t change as much as me. He is almost the same person. What changed drastically is my personality and my thoughts about life. It became a big problem for us. For example, I don’t want to go to the church, or do anything there as a member, because I don’t consider myself as a member anymore. That has become a reason for fighting now because for my husband this is an important thing. But I can’t pretend that I’m a good Christian which he thought I used to be, because I’m not that kind of person at all.
You may think “would it be not easier, trying to follow the church rules and living peacefully with him? “
Well, let me give you another example: The church says gays are doomed to hell. My husband says if someday we have a boy/girl who might be gay, he will wish that he/she would rather be dead than accept him/her. And he would expel him/her from our house.
How can I live with someone who thinks like that? We are totally different from each other.
A – What do you think is the good/bad in case you divorce your husband.
D – The good and the bad? For now, I only can see the bad side, because I can predict a huge suffering, loads of tears and sadness. But if it will be only for few months then it might be worth it. Because I would rather cry for few months than living with unhappiness, killing myself inside for the rest of my life. Maybe, I will realize the good things afterwards.
A – Do you think it is possible to save a relationship or marriage when the feelings have a hard grip on your mind and heart?
D – This is not an easy decision. You must evaluate all the possibilities (that’s what I’m doing right now). After all, if you can’t make peace with your marriage if you don’t feel like having enough connection to continue being married and if you see your life without your partner being better than with him/her, then it is time to go away from your relationship.
A – How did you meet your husband and where? How was he like in the first meeting? How old were you? Why do you think you fell in love in the first place?
D – I met him in the church of course. His father was the pastor of the church I used to go. My husband for me was like my saviour. I was living the hardest moments of my life with my parents getting divorced and my mom came back to my life after almost 10 years of living in another state. Everything was a mess. And my husband was the best thing happening in my life. I think that I fell in love with that idea of someone caring about me after living for so long on my own.
A – You don’t have any children. Do you think having kids should be considered and does it impact a decision whether to breakup/divorce or not?
D – As I said before I can’t see myself educating my children according to the church rules. I mean, I want them to be free to make their own choices. Not like some robots, suppressing their own feelings to please “god” or anybody else.
A – What advice would you like to give to someone who is in your situation? And what advice would you give to someone who is going to marry early in their life and/or after a quick dating?
D – I learned that getting married is a huge responsibility. Especially if you are not mature enough when you get in it. Try to know yourself before anyone else, know more about your convictions, your values, because those things will be very important when you get a partner. Don’t engage in a relationship if you are using it to feel better about other things going on around you. Don’t push yourself to be something you are not just to please someone else, your partner should love who you really are. He/she must love your qualities and try to understand your flaws. Sounds cliché, but love yourself before loving anyone else, that’s my advice for those who are coming through the same problem.
She is much better now after having this conversation. She confronted her husband and talked to him directly about their problems. She will give him and this marriage another chance. And I feel this is for the best. Relationships deserve second chance if your partner has not hurt you. But if they hurt you really bad or it seems the problem won’t be solved no matter what then I feel that it is better to move on. I genuinely want her to be really happy. And I am sure one day she will achieve great things and be happy because she is stronger than I ever was.