It’s been six months exactly since I broke up. I have already written about how it affected me mentally and all the pain and suffering I “had” to go through. I used the word “had” but honestly the suffering has not yet finished. And now at the end of the six months, the person I am, has become much worse than how I was. But should my ex be blamed for this? Or the enemy is and was always within?
I checked my weight yesterday. I am at close to 100. That’s 12 kilos more than how I was just six months ago. I know how and why it happened. In the beginning of the breakup, the first few days, I could not literally eat anything and just spent time crying and lying on my bed and hidden in my bedroom far away from people. The nervous breakdown happened for which I had to go through therapy. But then “it” started slowly and steadily. I used to have panic attacks and sometimes I used to feel very sad and used to cry alone feeling huge pressure in my head. The way I used to tackle it was by eating heavily (what we call as binge eating and I did not knew such a thing existed until this week). I rarely went to gym like before. Used to work late since I spent most of my holidays on her and now wanted to spend my vacation in my home country to relax with my family. I started eating sweet things heavily. They comforted me, they became my friends. Chocolate and Ice cream whenever I felt crazy. I started eating burgers and French fries and pizzas which I used to avoid and had rarely. It’s like I did not care anymore how I looked and I was punishing my body for the bad relationship I decided to be in.
Now the end result is, the dresses which used to fit me just few months ago, don’t. I wear limited dresses and have to repeat them. The new dresses which I bought just 4 months ago don’t fit me anymore. And everyone told me I have gained weight it seems and my body has become much bigger and broader.
Another thing which happened is that I lost hairs. A lot of it during these few months. I had great hairs and always looked forward to haircuts and now I lost a lot so I shaved my head and have started using Regaine to make sure that my hairs grow back how they used to like before.
My lifestyle has changed significantly. I was an extremely extrovert and outgoing person. But now I might be the most introverted person you will ever meet in your life. I already mentioned how I lost my contacts and friends during my long distance relationship with my ex. But the aftermath of breakup made me hate meeting people. And it seems crazy to think that such a change of nature is possible. I love being alone now, locked up in my room and spending time either playing games or reading harry potter books or watching movies. The change has gone to such an extent that I turned down a woman recently who liked me during my trip to Luxembourg for a date on my birthday last week. I realise now that I have started hating women. By hate I don’t mean I don’t like them. What I mean is I don’t feel like having any romantic and emotional connection with them. I still talk to my women friends the same way, admire their skills and how amazing they are, but just meeting them and knowing them seems enough when I have the opportunity. I don’t want to date them. I hardly go out and even if I do, there is nowhere in my mind that maybe I will meet some women who I might date. Probably I have also started hating meeting people, old and new alike. To such an extent that I don’t like public gatherings nor events where I need to meet new people. I prefer going to lunch alone without my work colleagues. One of the reasons also being my bad feeling about my body image. It doesn’t feel good anymore to be in my skin and feel about my body which was super fit for most part of the last few years. But the main reason being, I am reluctant to meet people and make new connections right now. Small talks bore me and women don’t attract me anymore. I started masturbating like a freak. To reduce stress and to make women look more ugly. Now I look at women and no matter how tempting they are physically (which honestly I did not care much even before), I find them unattractive and ugly. I hate going to clubs and if I want to go out which I have done rarely, then I prefer going to a bar where I just want to enjoy different drinks, talk a bit and be in silence.
Work and Skills (Professional Life)
I was a researcher at BMW. I created amazing things for Daimler so much that I had two quick hikes at my work. I used to write papers and tried improve my knowledge more and more as time passed by. But now this year I hardly learned anything. I am the lazy goose who comes to work late and spends most of the time doing ordinary things on his work desk. I still deliver which is what matters, but I am sure that right now I hate my life and going to work in such a way that all I want to do is travel and go around and just be somewhere away from computers. I have tried searching for voluntary works in Europe where I can teach English or do something for a week or two. Before when I used to travel, all I wanted was to stay in nice hotels and party crazy and enjoy it. That’s the amount I have changed in the last few months and I feel like a completely different person.
I also spent my time before learning languages (German and Portuguese), learning guitar, working out, reading books and etc. But now I have neither motivation nor the drive to improve myself in life. It’s like I am just waiting to get old and die one day. And this feels like the saddest thing ever, something which I never expected I would feel in my life.
Why things fell apart
I feel like a fat, ugly, useless, loser 2.0 version of myself, who is living a boring stagnant life and just waiting for the time to go by. The last few years I enjoyed my life to such an extent that time went by and I did not knew. I loved being myself, loved being the way I am and felt like I had everything in my life. And I am talking about the phase before I even went into that relationship. But now, I am virtually doing nothing and wasting the precious time of my life. I am 26 and this is the peak time but I am throwing it away like some thrash. But then I am writing and thinking about this whole situation where I am in and my conclusion is this:
She is out of my life. I was suffering a lot but at present things look quite much in control. I don’t think about her like I used to. Overall my life has stabilised compared to before. But then why I have come to this situation. Who is to blame for it? Binge eating, not working out, not following my passion, not being ambitious, not taking care of myself? My ex? She left me 6 months ago. And even though yes she affected me a lot. But I think there is nobody else to blame for this except me. I could have handled it like many others who actually got stronger and better after their breakup. I could have taken this as a challenge. I even wrote in this blog that we should work on ourselves and that’s the best revenge we can provide. I guess I failed that challenge myself. But not because of my ex.
Because I let things go out of control and I failed myself. My biggest enemy was me. I betrayed myself and made myself suffer. Here think of yourself and your body is another person with whom you are in a relationship and if you are damaging and doing harm to this person then that means you don’t love this person which is yourself. Justify the relationship first with yourself and then think about the relationship with another body. And this thinking is the reason which made me realise the harm I am and was doing to my true love. Me.
I decided on Sunday to start running slowly and working out. Because that’s the only way I can lose that weight and start feeling better about myself. It is the truth. For someone who was quite fit, being fat sucks and that feeling with that extra load will never make them feel good. I don’t body shame people but I think it’s important to feel good about yourself and right now I don’t. I joined this app called zombies run. It is like you are part of a story and you need to run and gather supplies and get chased by zombies. Sounds fun and I tried it and am looking forward to my run today.
I also have decided to stop masturbating. Not stop but reduce the frequencies to once per week for now. Then once per month. It is not good and the fact that it makes me like a women repelled is quite astounding. It doesn’t mean I am looking to meet women but at least I will admire them again and try to give them importance in life. Writing this diary is important for me but I will try to write more often. It is my new hobby. As for going out more and enjoying the summer, I think it will take me more time to do it because this is something you can’t force yourself to.
Overall, it is time for me to redeem myself and the first focus working on my appearance and my mental strength. I think when I feel good about myself and my appearance, the other aspects like social life and the overall lifestyle will change as well. The next version of yourself should be always better than your previous one. And if it’s not happening that way, then there is seriously something wrong in your life, and you need to analyse it and change it! Join me on my journey and let’s be a better version of our past.