Lots of things have happened. I still have panic attacks and today I saw her photo in Google hangout and she had changed it to a new photo which she might have taken before going out. I had headache and anxiety seeing it. Here I was, going through depression and therapy and not able to interact and go out and have fun. And here she is, the little, only child princess, already moving on (or maybe it is just a facade) and starting a new life. It hit me like an ice berg and I felt more upset and started repenting on why the heck I even saw it.
I had deleted her contact from WhatsApp and even the emails I sent before few weeks trying to make her understand even though she was someone who was not into this relationship anyway (in terms of priorities, sacrifices and responsibilities). But still somehow I love and care about her and it made me wonder, is it possible to move on from someone like her in such a way that you stop caring completely? It is possible. The Timeline has proven it. What timeline? I am talking about the Ugly, the Bad and the Good timeline of my life in the last two months. The story goes something like this:
When I broke up, it was the ugly phase of my life. I went into immense depression and even though I doubted it and went to a psychiatrist, I was clinically diagnosed as depressed. I was surprised, even though I knew that I was not good. How can someone as strong as me, be pushed to such boundaries because of a loss of a woman. But that shows what this whole thing meant for me, and how flabbergasted I was with how things turned out in the end. I lost around 5 Kilos, was losing more hairs due to all the depression, insomnia and anxiety.
When I realised I was losing too much weight, I forced myself to eat, eventually leading to binge eating and gaining 7 Kilos in the span of a month. Once it happened that I went out and drank so much without interacting with anyone that I lost my jacket, injured myself at night during the snow unable to walk and got sick eventually. Work seems like a drag with no concentration, during meetings and even the new project I got assigned, I told them to delay it due to personal issues. I stopped working out, stopped taking care of myself and my hairs and body, my lips cracked and I became more ugly. Never cared much about looks but I was punishing myself and it was getting reflected on my body, my mind and my attitude. But then I realised something one day.
I did everything, and she should be the one who should feel bad that she lost me. Yet here I was grieving for this person. The phase changed from ugly to bad. I still had anxiety attacks where I wanted to be left alone. Insomania is still part of my life, but I have my own personality and life and only I can take control of it. I have my own needs and I have my own happiness and I deserve to be happy. By living a pathetic life, I was just helping her and giving her more reasons (sounds weird but that’s how I felt). My food habits got a bit better instead of munching on the junk. I still was and am overweight but now I was determined to lose it. I started making a plan. Making a schedule. But I missed them as well.
Blaming myself for every small thing became a habit. Started feeling pathetic to be living this life where there was no drive and no craze like before. I still felt like jerkling off with her memories but I used to start and stop feeling miserable(porn did not work). I could have treated myself better but instead I treated myself like a Loser. The motivation was not enough. The self-love was missing. It takes time to change the movement of your world when it was solely revolving around a person. I was determined to move on and I had already made a very strong decision that no matter what I won’t accept her back, because I realised now what exactly happened.
Unhealthy relationships are like honeymoon followed by divorce. It will eventually happen if the other person is not responsible and not taking care of the relationship.
My friends invited me to go out but obviously I did not go and also wanted to avoid alcohol after last fiasco. Instead I went out for a walk in the cold with another friend along the river side near my house. It made me feel better. Out of the 4 planned days of working out, I went out just one day and missed the other days. But I was proud of myself. I had become weak both mentally and physically (I could not lift the weights I used to do before and so did my stamina which expired fast) but I felt like a phoenix. About to rise from the Ashes.
This week started off good. And finally the good phase has started. It is not great or amazing or awesome. I think I still have a long way to go. I am far from my prime. Yes, I got upset with her photo. But at the same time, it made me realise how beautiful love is. The first thing I did was to start treating myself better. My boss recently invited me for a meeting and told me that my work was quite good in the last quarter and I even got a hike. I have an amazing job, amazing family, living in Germany, an advanced world full of possibilities and talents. I should be proud of myself, and I was until I drowned myself completely with this loss.
But it was not a loss and she just help the blind me by cutting the rope which I was actually using to hang myself
I bought myself a fitness tracker. And new pair of shoes. Health is important but commitment is more. Today is the first day for my gym again. I am aiming to lose 10 kilos in the next 6 months. Not a very easy goal, but I can see the determination boiling inside me. I started eating healthier and instead of avoiding conversations, I indulge in them. After a long time, I have started doing something to improve my career by reading books, going for seminars and arranging training for my colleagues and me. For the first time in a long time, I feel that I am caring for myself instead of my family or her or my friends. The determination is pure and strong. The drive is immense. I sense and perceive the strong positive sensation in my body.
One of my friend who I met recently talked to me and she started hitting on me, and it felt great to have attention but my interest in dating right now is in negative (forget zero). I am growing closer to my family, my best friends, and even though I am still distracted and nervous and I think about her, I only want her to be happy (and it is not just words but it’s definitely the feelings which resonates truthfully from me).
I have started embracing being single and living alone. Yes, life is not that exciting (for now) but it is peaceful. Yes, I am not happy but I am not sad either. The way I was treated and the word I had to hear at the end was only making me sad and miserable. I was going through our pics from vacation yesterday and instead of crying or feeling sad, I had a smile on my face. She is still the most beautiful woman for me. And yes, I haven’t moved on yet. But I don’t want her back. I want myself back and that’s what I am trying to do now. By working on my motivation, my career, my body and my mind.
Because the best way to get revenge or in my case to go through redemption is by staying healthy and getting better and not the opposite.