I have come to terms with the fact that I don’t want her anymore and it is better to accept this and move on with my life. This happened before 4 weeks, and then onwards everyday seems like a day which I just want to end in a hurry. I used to get up every day, first attend to her texts and reply them and start my day. The night was precisely the same. My world revolved around hers and my day and night started and ended with talking and thinking about her. There was one particular photo of hers (it is now etched in my mind) which I used to look at every now and then, when I woke up. It made me happy but at the same time I felt like I have someone to love and protect in my life now. I have a responsibility for this human, and I will make sure she gets what she wants when she is with me and will make sure she remains happy no matter what. Then I used to go to work and wait for her to get up and send me the photo of her face waking up. It was the most beautiful thing ever and made me smile and feel emotional. I used to work, talk to her and later Skype with her, watch movies with her, make love with her on Skype, share things with her which I used to never share with anybody else and get to know about her life and motivate her to do and achieve great things. I used to sleep late, get up late, go to work late but I was very happy and never complained. The time difference between Germany and South America sucked but I never thought about it.
Overall she was not with me in reality, but she was the closest thing I had in my life.
It cost me. Now, I feel like every day is like a battle, which I need to fight all alone (my parents and relatives don’t live with me and my flatmates don’t know exactly what I am going through). Sometimes I cry, listening to romantic songs or thinking about the amazing moments we had, the things we used to tell each other and all those dreams I saw with her. I control them and it is getting better with time but sometimes it just comes randomly in my mind. And every time I am astonished that I am shedding tears for a human, let alone for a situation which is not worse than what I had already faced in my life. Even though I know everything that has happened is for good, I still can’t stop thinking and caring about her. The other day I was looking at the university and the courses in her city. She loves chemistry. And I was checking out a bachelor’s course and a technological course related to chemistry in her city. I was thinking what she would study, how long it will take, if it is worth studying, what are the career opportunities. And then I felt stupid and wretched doing this. Occasionally I feel something from my life was taken away from me and maybe I should try to get it back even after all the humiliation I received and the ignorance of an immature personality I had to endure, who was in this relationship without a sense of decision making and understanding. Once or twice every day, I feel like contacting her and telling her how I feel. I don’t want her back but I want my happiness back. But stopping all the contacts and not knowing what she is doing and how she is, makes me sick. I have panic attacks every now and then during which all I want to do is hide myself from everyone, cry and feel this pain and go through this feeling in silence. More than once, I typed a message in my mobile and even wrote an email in my laptop but never sent them to her, out of respect for myself.
I had enough.
My therapist helps me a lot. She made me realise how strong I was during my childhood and adulthood and she reminded me that I am a survivor who has won worse battles. She helps me in trying to find the old me. But even though the strength and self loves comes back and the thought “I don’t deserve it. It was not right what happened to me after everything I did” lights up again on the candle of my life, it seems to get dimmer more and more as the current day ends.
I try to keep myself busy. With work. With gym. With my friends. But sometimes this pain and crying makes me feel more relaxed and stable, instead of bottling it up and keeping it inside ready to explode at my work or at people around me. I am a very calm person but I have become more anxious and agitated lately. But nobody has experienced this part of mine. Not yet. Since I prefer silence more than expressing myself now and that gives an impression of an old man listening to stuff than an aggressive young person trying to stomp things up. You might think “Oh, what a cry baby, and also being a man, that’s just pathetic”. Well I have heard it few times. Our society has a norm that men should not cry. But I don’t believe in rules and norms and I never cried even when my amazing grandpa died. And that makes me feel so disgusted about myself. I loved him very much. He did everything for me. But I had no tears. Only sadness which I kept within me and tried to help my sobbing mum, telling her that everything will be fine again and again. If I cried then who would have helped her? Ironically now I am crying, like an injured lion and I have nobody to help me expect myself.
Sometimes I feel like relieving my anxiety and masturbating. But nothing excites me. Except her. After my breakup, I tried to watch porn but it felt weird and annoying. Then, I had to imagine about her and think about all those amazing moments but it was not sexual but it was passionate. That helped me to get some load off (if you know what I mean), even though I felt more pathetic after that. Thankfully, based on the advice from my therapist I had to stop this nuisance, if not I will be stuck forever and will never move on. My ex also told me to delete all the pics I had with her in our beautiful trip. I could not bring myself to do it. Not yet. I will delete them one day since it won’t be fair in future for the woman I will dedicate my life for. But right now I am also stopping myself from going through those pics. I have kept everything she gave me, because it is just material things and I love her and I will remove them slowly from my life. But what must be controlled right now is Mind. Because this is where I can find peace.
And I know one day I will find a person who will put 100% in a relationship with me, like I did before and I will do it again for someone who actually deserves.
Certainly, good days are ahead. I am improving day after day and now I am trying to focus at my work and interact and even attempt to indulge in conversations. At worst I pretend to enjoy them and laugh around even if I am mentally absent there. Blogging as well as reading book helps me. I started the Dan Brown book “Origin” and another book related to investing in Stocks. I also started watching a new series “How to get away with murder” where I am growing fond of the main characters. I am getting more close to my parents and my relatives whom I ignored most of last year, so that I can give time for her. Even my best friends are catching up with my life and I am catching up with theirs. I lost a year but that’s not a big chunk of my life. I remembered that 90% of my life, I was without a woman, and even though I had much more difficulties during those times in terms of money and environment in Asia, I was quite happy and satisfied. I am proud of where I am right now and what I have achieved. But the exciting part is that I can do much more and have lot more things to achieve. I know my potential but I settled for that life and wanted to give her everything. Things happened for good in every aspect because now I have no responsibilities and only sky is the limit.
I don’t regret anything, and even though right now my life is cold, depressing and stings like an ice on my whole body same as the winters in Europe, but can the spring be far behind?